From a Mother's Heart
The following was written on December 24, 2004 by Mrs. Debbie Locke after the birth of her and her husband, Pastor Tim Locke, son, Matthew.
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Hi, Everyone! - Our Friends and Family – right now those two words mean the same thing to us. We have experienced so much the last 11 days. I know that I could send a quick note saying, “Matthew Robert Locke is here – he’s cute, and we’re hanging in there!” But, there’s so much more that is taking place in our hearts and lives, and on the day before Christmas, I can’t think of a better way to share our news with you than to bring you right in to where we are, what we have experienced, and share the news of our special gift. I’m not sure at this point who we have emailed or told what, so I thought I’d send an update note to each one of you. It’s a bit personal, but we’d really like to share it with you…
Tuesday, the 14th, was a day of promise and excitement. We went in at 6:00 that morning to bring our little boy into the world – much to Mommy’s excitement and relief! The day was uneventful as far as labor/delivery go, and our little Matthew was born around 5:00 that evening. - Of course, we were elated! He did give us a little scare at first. The cord was wrapped around his neck, and he was a bit purple, but our doctor acted quickly, professionally, and took care of him right away. Matthew pinked up within a minute or so, and was whisked away to the baby room to be weighed, poked, and prodded. I could hear him cry a time or two in the room, so I knew he was ok. Tim went into the baby room with the nurses to take pictures and see the little munchkin. Tim noticed right away that something looked different. He asked the nurse quietly, “Do you think he has Down Syndrome?” The nurse wouldn’t answer. (We realize now that it may have been for liability reasons.) She asked another nurse for the mother’s history sheet. Tim asked his question again – no answer. The nurse left the room for a minute, came back, and said to Tim, “Why did you ask me that?” Tim said, “Because he looks like he does.” The nurse said, “He is showing all the signs.” Tim was so calm in his response. He said to the nurse, “Please let me be the one to tell my wife.” They eventually brought the baby to me, and I was all smiles and excitement. Pictures were taken, and a little abruptly the nurse looked at my husband and said, “Are you going to talk to her, or am I?” Tim was really on the spot, and he handled it so well. I just looked at him confused, and he told me through tears, “Look at his eyes and ears, honey - They think he has Down Syndrome.” I looked down at my little boy again, who all of the sudden became a stranger to me. Although I knew I loved him as his mother, my mind just could not accept what I was hearing. My first thought – “This is not my baby.” - “This is not the little guy I have been dreaming of and carrying for nine months.” “This is someone else’s child and responsibility.” As all of you know, I have had much experience with special needs children and families throughout my upbringing, and I instantly felt 20 years of future and impact at once. It was more than I could absorb, and I was overwhelmed. We had so many emotions at once – anger, disappointment, excitement, denial, grief, loss – I truly did not know which one to give in to. All I could do was stroke little Matthew’s face and sob. I looked at Tim and said, “I don’t know how to respond.” I knew Tim was hurting, too, but he was such a rock for me during those moments. He told me he was committed to me, to our family, and to this little one – whatever that meant. He assured me that he was committed to trusting God through this new journey, even though the initial shock was so painful. Tim’s mom took Matthew for a little bit, and it allowed Tim and me to have some time together, to cry, and try to absorb what had happened. The room was still full of doctors and nurses who were finishing things up, and they all heard everything Tim had said to me. Even though the abrupt circumstances in which we found out the news was difficult, we can already see the Lord’s hand at work. We had several comments later from hospital staff that they couldn’t believe how strong Tim’s faith was in the middle of such a time. What a testimony of God’s grace! |
What I hadn’t known is that during those moments Matthew was still in the baby room right after he was born and Tim had talked to the nurse, he asked his Mom to start making some calls – to call Tim’s dad, my parents, our pastor. Immediately, prayer chains were being formed right when we needed prayer and support the most. My parents were at a staff Christmas party of about 75 people when they got the call. My dad had the entire church staff stop and pray for us right at that moment. As we sat in our hospital room a bit numb and not knowing how to feel or think, the Lord began showing us His goodness in a way we never thought possible. Not even an hour after Matthew’s birth, our church people started getting the news and coming by. Some were at the mall right across the street when they got the news and came over to see us. Here came our pastor Dave Anderegg and the “posse” (as he called them!) – which was made up of several of the elders from our church. They cried and prayed with us, and were such a comfort and support. I’m sure each one of you can relate to the fact that when you’re hurting, if left alone, it’s easy to become ingrown with your own thoughts. It’s so difficult to find your way clear to objective truth and thinking when your emotions are so close to the surface. The support we received allowed us to grieve, but not as “ones without hope.” We were given much hope that night as we realized how much love and support we were going to have through this new journey. We were also reminded that we were not alone, but that God was going to send the grace that we need for every step of the way – beginning with love from our families and church family. We had many visitors come in and out that evening, and we were overwhelmed by it all. It was late in the evening when everything calmed down somewhat and we were able to try to sleep some. The next couple of days in the hospital were filled with doctors and nurses coming through, developmental therapists offering services and support, and many, many questions. Tim’s dad and brothers drove all the way down from Newberry, SC and Atlanta to be with us. Their presence was such an encouragement and support – especially to Tim. Many of the church people stopped by to see us, and offered support and much-needed encouragement. |
They did a chromosomal test on Matthew in the hospital to make a final determination as to whether or not he indeed has Trisomy 21 (the official medical term for Down Syndrome). The results came back this past Wednesday, and it was positive – he does have it. Of course, as any parents of Down’s children will tell you – this can mean an extremely wide spectrum of things. The test has no predictive ability, in that we will not have any idea as to what Matthew’s abilities and/or limitations will be until he gets older. It was a little difficult to see the results of the test on paper, as it made it sort of “final” in our minds, but we do feel now like we can make decisions and move forward. We are very encouraged at the great news we have gotten from Matthew’s doctor. The main concern with Down Syndrome children is heart problems. 50% of Down’s babies have open-heart surgery within the first four months of life. Many have bladder surgery almost immediately after birth. Many have hearing loss, and/or have tubes in their ears early in infancy. They can have vision problems, and low muscle tone – which affects feeding, walking, and many other developmental issues. Matthew’s heart looks great – no problems at all as of now. His vision and hearing tests came back completely normal, and his muscle tone is unusually good for a Down’s baby. He is feeding just fine – gaining weight like crazy! The doctor did tell us that these first two months are critical. He could develop heart problems, and/or complications in other areas. They are keeping a close eye on him, and we are grateful for the very competent and skilled doctor’s group we have.
As you can imagine, we’ve ridden a bit of an emotional roller coaster as we’ve been home. We go between excitement about our new little one, and a feeling of loss as we realize that our dreams have now been changed into a very different reality. Having a special needs child almost feels like adoption at times, because you literally have to die to the dream of what you thought things were going to be like, and “adopt” the new idea and little one with his unique qualities and characteristics. We have shed many tears, as well as experienced many special moments. It’s easy to want a lifetime of answers right now, to know what to expect, but we are finding that this is going to be a journey for our family, a process of daily trust in God. As frail and depraved creatures, it’s tempting to be angry with God, to doubt His goodness, and wonder about His sovereignty. In times of objectivity, we can see the hand of the Lord in our lives. We have no doubt that the stewardship we have been given of raising little Matthew in our home will grow us in ways we could never imagine, as well as enhance the ministry God wants to do through our family. He has promised grace in times of suffering and hardship, and it truly has been there for us. We are finding God’s strength in our weakness; and His goodness in hardship. In times of subjectivity and emotion, it’s more difficult to see our way through the hurt to find God and His promises, but through the shoulders and comfort of our family and church family, we are reminded of the things that we know to be true. – That our loving Heavenly Father is good, that He makes no mistakes, that He knew about the birth of our Matthew before the beginning of time, and that He wants to do something wonderful and beautiful to glorify Himself through this little child. As a mother, I can only imagine what Mary must have gone through as she had her little son that night in Bethlehem, knowing that her hopes and dreams for Him would be cut short in the prime of His life. – Knowing that her precious little baby boy would be her Savior some day. I am realizing the truth that we are ALL affected by the curse somehow and in some way throughout each of our lives. It’s easy to focus on our own pain and hurts, but if you spend any amount of time talking to others, you will find that we have all experienced disappointment, loss, grief, and pain at some point. If not in the past, it is now, or will be in the future. We are all in need of a Savior. Tim and I are realizing that we are not alone in our pain. The Son of God truly suffered more than any of us will ever suffer in this life – not just the pain of the cross, but the loss He felt by the separation from His Heavenly Father, and bearing the weight of all of the sin of mankind. Sometimes I feel that I can hardly bear the weight of my own sin – I can’t imagine the heaviness of heart He must have experienced for us that day.
We want to thank you to each one of you for the prayers, notes, emails, cards, calls, and overwhelming support that we have received the last few days. We will continue to update you on how little Matthew is doing, and what God is teaching our family. The name Matthew means “gift of God,” and we know now that he was perfectly named all along. This Christmas, we are so thankful for the precious little gift we have been given. The birth of our little son is yes, painful in some ways, but also a joy beyond expression. Not only are we enjoying the sweetness and joy a little newborn baby brings into a home, we are finding that now Heaven is a little sweeter, eternity a little closer, joys more simple, and our hearts becoming more attune to what God values – our sanctification and trust in Him. I can honestly say through tears that I am thankful for what God has brought into our lives, and I can’t wait to see the ways in which God is going to make Himself real to us as we go along the journey.
We love each one of you, and trust that you will have a very, Merry Christmas.
Love & Prayers, Tim, Debbie, David, Becca, & Matthew Locke |
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